Butt First, Boundaries

A continuation of Part One, “Shut up and Use a Safe Word”

If you’re new to exploring your kinks, either in person or online, it can be hard to figure out where your boundaries are. But trust me, you know more than you think.

You just might have to dig deeper. My best advice is to communicate immediately if something doesn’t work and try things slowly.

I’ll tell you a story about a time I tried out a new kink. For science.

It took me several months to put it into words, but what I want out of any dynamic is to feel seen, valued, appreciated. That’s the core of everything for me. That’s the state of mind that I seek.

But I also enjoy having control taken off my shoulders. Which has led to more than a couple scenes that I didn’t enjoy like I thought. More than that, they left me feeling…bad.

Before this incident, my thought progression worked like this: I want someone to take control, I want to be treated like I have no agency, I want to be a sex doll, I want to be a object.

So I found someone that was into treating partners like inanimate objects, who was open to feedback and wanted me to enjoy the scene too. Perfect! Or so I thought.

Then he wanted me to act as his table while he ate breakfast. Hey, I don’t know what I like so I’m up for anything. I got on my hands and knees and he placed a plate on my back. I had to stay very still, even when he teased me by dripping food on my naked ass.

I just didn’t get anything from it.

And then as the scene went on, and he ate and otherwise ignored me, I felt worse.

The experience of being a piece of furniture? It doesn’t make you feel valued and appreciated.

Luckily, I was able to communicate, for the first time, what I wanted different from the scene. Yes I wanted to be a “thing”… but a precious thing. Like your favorite pillow to lay on, your favorite mug to drink from. It brings you joy to use, you take care of it, and on some level you appreciate it’s there doing a task for you.

Bingo. Exactly what I wanted, communicated well. Good job, babygirl!

This is what I mean when I say that even if you’re just starting to explore, you know more about your boundaries than you think you do. There was something about kink that drew you in. A feeling, a sensation that you were chasing.

So when setting boundaries, ask yourself what makes you feel the opposite of that.

I want to feel valued and validated? Being ignored makes me feel the opposite of that.

My scene partner tried to adjust, but the words of praise just didn’t sound natural. They sounded forced. I could also tell that he wasn’t enjoying it as much as before. Part of his kink was also telling me that he had other subs and that I was competing with them to be worthy of his attention. That made me uncomfortable at the time, and I’m realizing now it was a bit trauma triggering.

I ended that casual dynamic with some honest thanks, saying that I learned a lot but that we just didn’t match up. No hard feels.

That’s just how it goes when you’re exploring kink. It’s been 10 months since that experience, and I still haven’t learned everything there is to know about my own kinks.

Honestly I plan to spend the rest of my life exploring every nook and cranny…

If you want to come along for the ride, make sure to subscribe!

Yours in kink,

Kitty

My ass in a mirror, photo taken by me via the magic of a tripod and timer.